Journal Entry #3
....She keeps writing
I realize that when I love you, I don’t love myself.
So is it really love? What is it that I’m searching for? What is this feeling or need…or desire masquerading as love? Because they tell me love is patient and kind… Although when I witness it in passing and in the small moments it’s something that is hard to place my finger on. Love sounds softer and more compassionate. Love doesn’t sound like it could fit into the box that I often try to place it into.
In the past when I’ve attempted love it’s more or less turned into a ceremony of self harm. An exercise of self abandonment. Here I am, truly a lover girl. Well, is it a lover girl or a girl who enjoys partnership? My soul and all that I am, consistently seeking out an opportunity to not do things alone.
What is this life…what is the world if I’m just going at it alone? And not in the sense of being lonely-but in the sense of being physically without someone. Without someone to hold my hand when I cry. Without someone to pull me to their chest at night as I settle into my bed under a fortress of blankets. Without someone to tell my day to when the sunsets and the soup I made simmers on the stove.
What does the achievement of my desires really involve? The other day I heard someone say the love we could want must require an ego death. And I could see that. Because the love I want burns so bright that when the fire within me burns out, it sparks a new flame. It’s a give and a take. It’s as much about you as it is about me.
What I’m learning is that love doesn’t look like canceled plans with my friends. It doesn’t look like my nervous system smashed into bits and unregulated. It doesn’t look like a walk or a yoga class put off for another day. It doesn’t look like my dreams being placed on the back burner. It doesn’t look like this ritual of leaving myself in the way that you one day will.
But I must give it to you…to them, in their ability to stay consistent. Because I do find that they all leave the same. Sporadic communication. A forced smile with wandering eyes. Meet ups and texts that feel like charitable donations. What do you think makes them so afraid to just say what they want or what they don’t?
Although this time I realized something. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. My life will keep going. I’ll keep writing, I’ll keep meeting new friends and I’ll keep traveling. I’ll even keep laughing. Because I’m here before you came. I’m here when you were here and when you’re gone, I’ll still be here.
But I wonder, do we not have the courage to say goodbye?
Thank you for joining me in my short series Journal Entries. Collage and photo by me.