Journal Entry # 2

words only a lyrical genius could understand....

I miss a place I could never call home. I miss being surrounded by people who understand me. Instead I’m met with a tilted head and squinted eyes. Minds trying to understand me like some misplaced creature. It’s still only a man I don’t know that somehow knows and understands every bit of me, the part that wants to run. The part that decides it’s on my own that I’ll survive. Because I cannot stand to be looked at and not seen anymore.

My mom called me yesterday and said my writing is beautiful. I hope she knows what that meant to me. I hope she knows that it’s as much hers as it is mine. I am a part of her so much so that the thought never waivers that I came from anything else. I miss her and I miss her hugs. I miss her knowing me in a way that no one else seems to.

I’m learning to love myself. I’m learning to trust myself. But I need space and I need people in my life that don’t resurface my words to use them against me. Even the words only used last week. Offer me more flexibility than that. Could I offer them the same? God, I can only hope. To know me is to know that I am capable of change and being better. While change doesn’t happen over night, I believe in some ways its implementation can. As of now I feel broken, I feel misunderstood. I feel a deep sadness that consumes every fiber of my being. As the day turns to night I can’t help but to anticipate a sunrise that allows me another chance. I wait for tomorrow.

Thank you for joining me in my short series Journal Entries. Collage and photo by me.